shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
