She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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