i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
