your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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