Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
