she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
