I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
