Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize