just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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