i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
