You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
