If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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