walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
