I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize