I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
