Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize