textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
