Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
