I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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