The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
