ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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