I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize