So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
