shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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