Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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