When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
