You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
