I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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