I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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