I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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