I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
