insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
