she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i need some magic done to my vagina
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
