alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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