ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
