dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
