her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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