how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
