We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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