And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
