my phone needs a breathalizer
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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