I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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