Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
