cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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