My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
