new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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