This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
