hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
