He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
