Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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