Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
