why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Houston, we have a squirter
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
