The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
