My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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