I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
