please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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