i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Even my vagina gasped.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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