Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize